A Candid Look at Parenthood and Practice

The pressure to maintain a busy practice while navigating the demands of family life presents unique challenges, often amplified by the unpredictability of litigation. This article draws directly from the experiences of our members, who share their candid insights on managing court work and family systems.

Which parts of being a barrister cause the most friction with family life?

The central theme of friction revolves around the relentless, unpredictable demands of serious litigation.

The O’Neill’s, a couple who both practised at the Bar, noted that the greatest source of stress was when one of them went into a trial. “We all know that trials absorb a lot of spare time with moments of very high stress, and the focus is inevitably on the trial and the clients’ witnesses,” they explained. For them, having two barristers in the household was an advantage, as “we both understand what is needed, what happens and all those other things that Barristers have to do.”

For other parents, the issue is less about friction and more about the immense internal pressure. Charlotte Griffin described the strain as trying “to be everything to everyone all at the same moment.” She identifies a key structural issue unique to the self-employed Bar: the lack of a timekeeper. This flexibility, while prized, carries a risk that “working hours can become very fluid and time gets away on you.” Her strategy to combat this creep into family life is to build “more structure into my traditional workday when I am most likely to be alone and can remove all distractions.” Keeping on top of administrative tasks as a barrister, like invoicing, in a planned way during busy periods, is critical to a sole practice.

Kishen Kommu says it boils down to communication with your partner. “My wife and I make sure that we at least have dinner together without any distractions, so that we can talk in a relatively stress-free setting.”

How do you structure care for your children on court days?

For the O’Neill’s the division of labour was clear: the wife primarily covered drop-offs and pickups, but the husband stepped in if she was in court and he was not. The most essential element, particularly when both parents were in court, was having “people to call on who could pick up the children at a moment’s notice.” They both agree that having an emergency pickup person in reserve is “essential.”

Sometimes kids just have to come to court, and our courts need to be more welcoming spaces for this to occur

Charlotte formalised the strategy through an understanding with her partner from the start: “When I am in court, the other partner has to step in for the children’s needs on those days.” She found that this removes the stress of the moment. She is careful to note the importance of letting the partner manage the ensuing logistics: “as a mother, I have to resist the temptation to involve myself and just let him do it and not interfere.” For practitioners without a partner’s or other family help, she stresses the necessity of working out a reliable, repeatable “system that meets your family’s needs, so you are not reinventing the wheel each time court rolls around.”

This leads to a structural observation about the profession: “Sometimes kids just have to come to court, and our courts need to be more welcoming spaces for this to occur if women, especially, are to thrive in the profession as litigators. The same goes for offices and chambers.” She believes children cannot always be tucked away neatly, so women can work.

Isabella Clarke’s ability to maintain a flexible practice is underpinned by family: “We are really lucky we have two sets of grandparents close by who are willing to step in to cover us when timing is awkward.” In addition, her husband’s earlier work finish allows him to handle school pickup and afternoon activities, an arrangement that she recognises as “invaluable to my ability to be where I need to be and to maintain flexibility in my practice.”

Are there any systems or routines that make the biggest difference for you?

The integration of work and life schedules is key. Arla Kerr maintains a streamlined approach by having her “work and personal calendar completely merged, so that I have one place where everything is.” More critically, she proactively “designed my practice so that I have limited long days,” choosing to limit court work and schedule other long workdays (interviews and mediations) well in advance to ensure availability for school pickups and drop-offs.

However, the most significant practical difference cited by a number of barristers is not related to personal tools, but to the conduct of the legal system itself. Charlotte highlighted the need for courts to stick to sitting times (a 10 am start and 4 pm or 5 pm finish) or to give adequate notice when sitting late is a risk. She notes that “a working parent who is also the parent responsible for drop off and pick up... is wholly reliant on court starting at 10 am and finishing on time.” She stresses counsel cannot always stay late as a matter of course, no matter how much they might wish to oblige, because “we don’t all have the luxury of help.”

One tip you’d give to a barrister who’s about to become a parent?

The O’Neill’s advice is a relaxed mindset: “The best thing I can give advice on is to relax and roll with it.” They emphasise the need to be flexible and pragmatic: “Have a backup plan. Plan A will always go south somewhere along the way.”

I’m going to fail at this many times, and even when I don’t feel that’s ok, I can’t always control it.

Charlotte encourages new parents to define their own path. Her tip is to do “what is right for your family situation,” and to resume working life in a way that suits the new you - the person changed by parenthood. This involves accepting that the old ways of working will change, accepting the new balance of work vs. family, and accepting help that genuinely improves the situation.

Isabella offers a perspective on career longevity and skill development: “The one thing I always say to new parents is that your career in law will be long and you do have time to be there with your child in the early days.” While a feeling of being left behind may set in, she argues that a parent is actually “gaining skills (patience, multi-tasking, negotiating, problem-solving) that will really help you when you return to work.”

Anything you wish someone had told you before you returned to practice?

Charlotte says it would’ve helped knowing “I’m going to fail at this many times, and even when I don’t feel that’s ok, I can’t always control it.” She promotes a long-term view: “Having insight into the reality that we are a long time in the law, with many forks in the road and changes along the way.” Crucially, she argues that taking time out is not a “vice,” and failing to do so when needed is worse. She advises practitioners not to be so hard on themselves, concluding that children often remember that the parent was “there, even if working at home instead of playing with your kids at times.” Being present is the key.

Isabella echoed this, urging self-kindness: “Be kind and compassionate with yourself... You might feel like a sleep-deprived zombie now, but that will pass.” She counsels to “Be open to reassessing what’s working and what’s not.”

Arla highlighted the advantage of the Bar’s structure for a working parent. Moving to the Bar and having “more control over the amount of hours and flexibility of when those hours were worked (and being paid for those hours) was a very welcome change.”

Kishen says it is ok to ask your seniors for help when necessary. “I have found the senior counsel who I have worked with to be very understanding of family being a priority, and that having collaborative instructing solicitors to be invaluable in managing the workflow pressures.”

Does a Chambers help this lifestyle?

There is universal agreement that being in chambers is an immense help, provided it is the right kind of chambers. As the O’Neill’s put it, “There’s always somebody you can ask for help on should anything pop up unexpectedly.”

Charlotte stated that it “immeasurably helps,” but cautioned that a barrister “can’t join a Chambers based on status or success alone and think you will automatically fit in and be happy.” She described the deliberate design of Kate Sheppard Chambers (KSC) to signal that “there is no one right way to be a barrister,” eschewing rigid structures and barriers. KSC has no hierarchy, makes decisions together, and supports colleagues in all facets of life. She views this collegiality as “life changing.”

Isabella confirmed the value of this structure: “Being in Chambers is enormously helpful. I know I have a group of people who are always there for me – both workwise and in respect of what’s going on in the background. We see each other as fully human and support each other to juggle all our responsibilities.”

Being a solo parent at the bar?

One Anonymous member says ‘I wish I’d gone to the bar sooner, for the flexibility and time at home it has given me, but part of why it works is that these days I’m hardly ever in court. There is still a variety of rewarding work out there. Hats off to anyone who combines solo parenthood with a heavy trial schedule, just thinking about it makes me want to lie down. I could never have done it.

There are still sacrifices: I’ve had to turn down great work because it involves travel, periods of illness without sick leave are a financial stress, and it can be tough to be always available to clients.”

What does success look like now?

Parenthood causes a profound and permanent shift in how barristers measure their success, moving the benchmark away from pure career achievement towards family wellbeing.

The O’Neill’s say having children “modifies your view of the world.” For them, success is now measured as “bringing up well-balanced children and having a happy household.” Melanie O’Neill added that her goals and career aspirations “completely changed” when the children arrived, choices she has “never regretted.”

Charlotte’s perspective shifted profoundly following personal upheaval, leading her to prioritise alignment over competition between work and family. She candidly shared that this refocus was driven partly by experiencing the loss of a 20-year marriage to her children’s father and observing the impact on her children. This event highlighted the need to “refocus work and family in ways so they align, not compete, when life itself intervenes”.

The ultimate measure of success for her is knowing that when she eventually “hangs up her gown,” her family is around her and she has been enriched, not worn down, by her working life. She contends that a lawyer is not successful for working all hours, but for “Working more effectively, in any way one can find, to maintain a well-centred family life and support structure around you,” arguing that this will pay back in “dividends with meaningful success at the bar.”

What assumptions about barrister-parents that you’d love to correct?

For Kishen Kommu, it’s the assumption where the pressure to perform is high, that your family life needs to be sacrificed in order to meet that pressure. “While it is not easy, I feel that being a barrister gives me the freedom to achieve a better balance, so that your family life is not sacrificed, but you are also professionally satisfied.”

What keeps you at the Bar?

Charlotte Griffin’s primary motivator is autonomy: “Being a barrister has allowed me to look after myself fully, my own way, not be reliant on an employer to give me work.” It has also “taught me to be confident in my own skills and knowledge without looking for validation through some kind of performance review.” Most importantly, it has allowed her children to “watch me work and raise them in close proximity, which is something that remains elusive in full-time employment.”

Isabella Clarke simply calls it “the best job in the world.” She loves the autonomy, the opportunity to “solve tricky problems, make a real difference,” and to create effective outcomes for clients. The ultimate draw is the ability to “do it all in the way that works for me. Life is not one size fits all, and I am so grateful I have a job I can tailor to fit me perfectly.”

The experiences shared offer reassurance to parents or those contemplating parenthood at the Bar. While the path is complex, the self-employed model ultimately offers the flexibility and autonomy necessary to redefine success and tailor a long, rewarding career that works with family life, not against it.

Thank you to our contributors to this article. Your genuine, candid view of life as a barrister-parent is invaluable.

Contributors:

Melanie and David O’Neill | Riverbank Chambers | Blended family of 4, all left home | Both Barristers.
Charlotte Griffin | Kate Sheppard Chambers | Blended family of 5, ages 7 – 21 | Partner in finance.
Isabella Clarke | Kate Sheppard Chambers | 2 kids, aged 9 – 11 | Partner is a GP
Arla Kerr | Kate Sheppard Chambers | 2 kids, aged 7 – 9 | Partner studies and works part-time.
Kishen Kommu | Forty Eight Shortland Barristers | 2 kids, aged 2 – 8 | Partner is a teacher.
Anonymous | Kate Sheppard Chambers | 1 kid, aged 16 | Solo parent.